


The Breakdown

by SilverWolf7



Series: Raphael [2]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angel Wings, Bathing/Washing, Biting, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Exhaustion, Fight or Flight Reactions, Gen, Mental Breakdown, Sleep, Vomiting, Wing Grooming, Wings, supportive Raphael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-09 23:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12898680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverWolf7/pseuds/SilverWolf7
Summary: Raphael visits Lucifer early in the morning to apologise to Lucifer.  Lucifer lets out emotions he has been holding in for a very long time.





	The Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> Because I tend to really like breaking Lucifer emotionally over his past. I seriously write this a lot.

The Breakdown

Lucifer had been lying down in his bed half asleep when he heard the slight knock at the window. Sighing, because he knew who it was, he roused himself enough to slide out from under the nice, warm, comfy covers and make his way into his living room.

The balcony door was, of course, locked and shut. His dear doctor of a brother wouldn’t let himself in like he would, naturally. No, he would wait out there all night for an open invitation. This irritated Lucifer who was tired from a day of catching killers, a shitty interrupted session in which it was pointed out how much he sucked at emotions, and partying most of the night to try and forget that utter mess.

It was four in the morning and he wanted to sleep for a few hours, was that too much to ask?

He glared at Raphael, where he stood on the balcony, but let him in anyway because he knew his brother was likely to not leave until whatever he had come here for was over and done with.

“What? It’s four in the morning. I need sleep...”

Raphael grinned at him. “So do I, and yet here I am.”

Lucifer frowned at him, but felt a little less angry at him. Okay, so he wasn’t the only one losing precious sleep time. He sighed. “Are you going to tell me what you want, or are you just going to stand there staring at me.”

His brother walked in and looked around. It only just occurred to him that Raphael hadn’t yet been in his home. For that matter, he had no idea where he was staying while on earth. Raphael went over to his library and begun poking at his books. “Don’t break any. They actually mean something to me.”

Raphael nodded slowly at that and pt the book he was holding down. The good thing about Raphael was that he accepted his personal boundaries when he did run into one. He had so few boundaries that most people simply didn’t care when they bumped into one.

He watched carefully as Raphael explored the rest of his things. He even looked in his kitchen to see what he was eating. As per usual, he had a fully stocked pantry and fridge, as he enjoyed the act of cooking and eating good food.

Raphael raised an eyebrow at him at the collection of sex toys. His only response was a grin and a raised eyebrow. 

Once Raphael seemed satisfied that he was looking after his home and was eating well, he waved a hand towards the couch and Lucifer grimaced. “Oh, what? Please, I do not want a repeat of what happened earlier today. And thanks by the way for coming. I wish you could have included me in a discussion about my own therapy, but hey, I can’t have everything now, can I?”

Raphael sighed, “I wanted to apologise for that. It was rude of us to do so. Next time we discuss it, you will be very much a part of the conversation.”

Lucifer stiffened up at that. “What makes you think there is going to be a repeat conversation about it?”

“Because Linda was right, she is going to die and you are unprepared right now to deal with seeing anyone else afterwards. We both agree I am not the one you should go to for that kind of help, as we are family, but...”

“But what?! I am not having this conversation with you, brother. Drop it,” he stated, his voice holding only a slight hint of the well of anger he was beginning to feel whenever anyone brought up Doctor Linda or anyone else he was close to dying on him. Since that had only started today, he had plenty of time to take it out on one of his brothers instead of exploding all over the humans he worked or played with.

Raphael raised his hands in the air in a mock surrender, but did drop the subject. He still patted the seat next to him.

“Come brother. It’s been a long time since we last met, and your wings are a mess. Your feathers are out of place. Just looking at them earlier today hurt me. Let me groom you, please.”

Lucifer froze at that, because it had been forever since someone had last touched his wings with his permission for actual grooming purposes. Maze had touched them to cut them off six years ago, but that was about it.

He found himself moving towards the couch, not really knowing if he wanted this or not, but he was uncomfortable and with a human shape, it was impossible to reach all his feathers to groom himself. He sat down. It took him a few seconds after he had done so before he let his wings unfurl and stretch out.

He winced as some loose feathers shifted in his skin. Thankfully, they were all coverts or some of his scapulae. “Okay, yes, I do need to be groomed. Bloody nuisances. I wish they stayed off when I chopped them off, but noooooooo, someone hates me enough to keep giving them back. Can’t take a bloody hint...”

He was given a look of horror at hearing that. “I know you cut them off when you first got to Earth, but...you have done so since getting them back?”

He nodded. “Yes, three times now. Doctor Linda told me to just ignore them as best I could from now on instead of hacking the bloody things off.”

“But your wings are beautiful! They always were the most beautiful of any of us.”

Folding his hands, Lucifer glared at your brother. “Here I was thinking that outward appearance didn’t stand for much when it comes to you.”

Raphael sighed. “I did not mean it that way. Why would you keep mutilating yourself?”

“Because I don’t want my bloody wings! Why does no one get that?! But now I can’t get rid of them at all, because they just keep springing out at the worst possible moment whenever they fully grow back. Ad I don’t feel it until they’re out again! Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?”

Shaking his head, Raphael just pointed and got him to turn around. “Lie down on your belly. Please, let me just do this for you? Even if you don’t want them, it can’t be comfortable.”

He sighed loudly at that. “No, no it’s not. Fine. But you owe me something in return.”

Raphael grinned slightly at him. “Fine, you can have it as a favour if that is what you want.”

He nodded. “Yes. And you’ll do what I ask of you, because otherwise I will never trust you with anything ever again. And you’re like the only brother I have that I feel even remotely worth trusting, so don’t break that.”

“I won’t.”

He laid himself down, and grabbed a cushion to hold onto so his face wasn’t smooshed into the leather. He folded his right wing up and spread the left out to be done first. It was the one that had the most damage done to the feathers after sitting on Linda’s couch with them out. That had been an obviously stupid thing to have done, but at least he could get rid of the discomfort now.

The moment Raphael put a hand on his scapulae between the shoulders, he tensed slightly, but let it happen. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Are you alright” he was asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. It’s just...I haven’t been grooming since I Fell. I have forgotten what it’s like. Don’t...” he didn’t finish the sentence, because he couldn’t find the right word about what he didn’t want Raphael to do.

“I will be as gentle as I possibly can, but a few feathers are going to have to come out.”

He sighed. “Yeah, I know...”

“I am going to start with your scapulars and work my way down and out. If you’re feeling up to it after I have finished with the outer wings, I will go ahead and do the underwings, but don’t be surprised if you aren’t up for it.”

He grunted into the pillow and shifted to get his body more comfortable with his wings out. “Are you psychoanalysing me, brother? Wings, grooming. That’s what you wanted, yes?”

Raphael chuckled at him. “You are still impatient. A rare trait in one so old.”

“Oh shut up, brother, or I will kick you out before you...oooh that feels good.”

Another chuckled from behind him, and he was aware that this was not going to take as long as he had originally thought it would. Raphael was working his feathers like a pro. Sorting them out, smoothing them down and occasionally he felt the slight pull as a loose feather was yanked out as fast and as gentle as possible. 

And it also soon became apparent why he had said if he was up for it when it came to the underwings. Barely five minutes in and he felt the most horribly huge urge to cry and he had no idea why.

He tried not to show it, wriggling in his seat in the discomfort of his emotions, but a gentle hand on his back held him still each time until he calmed down.

And still it didn’t help. Every time those hands go into his wings and began to work in easing the feathered monstrosities, he got closer and closer to just outright giving in.

And then to his ultimate horror, Raphael gently ran his fingers over his left alula and he was gone. He couldn’t stop the tears from falling even though he tried really hard to stop them. He buried his head into the pillow and hoped to his Dad that Raphael hadn’t noticed. 

If he did notice, he gave no sign of it. He finished with the top of that wing and went down to his upper coverts. This was where the majority of the damage was and, it gave him an excuse. Or he’d use it as one anyway.

The first plucked feather and he let his breath hitch. The hands stilled for a few seconds, before continuing on. 

Lucifer would have kept it up, only making sure to let it be known that something was upsetting him every time a feather was taken out, but his traitorous body wouldn’t allow that.

By the time Raphael got to the primaries, he was openly and loudly crying.

And he had no idea why.

Raphael had to manually fold his wing for him, because he wasn’t able to move it properly right then, before unfolding the right and laying it against the couch. “Just one more half a wing and I will stop. Is that alright?” Raphael asked and, because it had helped with the discomfort in the left, he nodded his consent to letting the other one be smoothed out.

By the time both wee done, he was barely able to move from utter exhaustion and he knew that if the Detective called, there was no way he’d be able to work with her that day. He was emotionally drained to the point of not wanting to get up.

“Lucifer? Are you awake?”

He hummed at his brother, and moved his head slightly. He decided he’d have to burn this cushion later, as it was covered in several different body fluids. 

“Okay. Do you mind if I stay over, today? I would like to get to know you as you are now.”

He hummed again and fell asleep right there on the couch.

He woke up six hours later to the ding of the lift, and he was in his bed wearing only his boxer briefs.

He would have blushed at the thought of being stripped down to his underwear by his brother if it wasn’t for the fact that Raphael was a doctor and used to having to do things like that.

“Lucifer? Are you in? Hopefully not having sex with someone.” Came the voice of the Detective, and he grinned into his pillow.

He would have gotten up right then and there, if it wasn’t for Raphael’s voice being heard next.

“Lucifer is sleeping.”

“Oh! Wow, usually he goes for young geeky guys. You are not what I would expect in his apartment.”

Raphael laughed. “I’m his brother, Miss...”

“Decker, Chloe Decker. I’m Lucifer’s partner with the LAPD. He works as a consultant, if you didn’t know.”

“Oh, no, I knew that. He enjoys the work, I expect. It gives him a chance to punish the wicked. He is very keen on his domains, is our Lucifer.”

Lucifer groaned into the pillow and lifted his head. “You can stop talking about me now. I’m up...”

Chloe stared at him as he entered, while he struggled to get his robe on as weak limbed as he was still feeling from the wing grooming earlier that morning. “Wow, you look... are you okay?”

He grinned slightly at her. “Not really. It was a bit of an over emotional day yesterday and earlier this morning and I just need to sleep and recharge. I’ll be fine to help you out tomorrow I expect. Today I’m just a bit under the weather.”

She nodded at him. “You look it. That’s alright. I hope you feel better tomorrow. And it was nice to meet you...”

His brother grinned at her. “Raphael. Lucifer called me in on a consult yesterday. I’m a doctor.”

Her head quickly sprang its way back to look at him. “Are you sure you’re okay? Why do you need a doctor for?’

He grinned and this time it was bigger and much more real. “Oh, it wasn’t for me. He’s family. My brother. It’s illegal for him to doctor me. And he’s a stickler for rules aren’t you, Raph.”

Raphael nodded at the Detective. “Luci is telling the truth there. I don’t like breaking rules. He called me for a consult to help work with a friend of his. My main job right now is pulmonary but I dabble in all fields, and used to do a lot of practise with psychiatry. Lucifer already has a therapist even if I did want to work with him medically.”

Calming down a bit, Chloe nodded. “Okay. That’s good to know. So I will see you tomorrow then, Lucifer?”

He nodded at her. “Yeah, tomorrow. I just need today to unwind from the mess that was yesterday. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

She smiled at him. “No, you had a rough day and need to unwind. We all have days like that. Just relax and enjoy the time with your brother. I’ll just ask Dan to help me today if he isn’t busy elsewhere.”

Lucifer frowned, but nodded. “Okay. Just...don’t tell him why ‘m not there. Tell him you interrupted me during sex or something. Please.”

She laughed at that and shook her head. “Guys and your macho crap. I will never understand it. I won’t tell him you’re taking a personal day, Lucifer. I’ll just tell him you’re feeling a little under the weather.”

He sighed but accepted that. “Alright, if you must. And tell Ella hi too.”

“Got it, Lucifer. I’ll let them know you won’t be in today.”

With at said, Chloe left, her head held a little higher than what he imagined she had walked in on. She was always afraid she’d walk in on him having sex. Given how worried she was about it, Lucifer entertained the thought that his partner thought he was always having sex outside of him working at the police station with her and when they went out in the field. He grinned.

“I’m glad to see you making friends. I was worried you wouldn’t know how or if you did, refused to on principal alone.”

He frowned at that and turned away from the lift to glance at his brother instead. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Raphael sighed. “You’d been in Hell so long with the worst of humanity, I was worried that even while here, you wouldn’t give anyone a chance.”

He stared, before laughing and it felt good to laugh. He felt the emotional drain of yesterday begin to lift off his shoulders and turn to better things. “Aww, you truly care. That’s good. And, no, no problem with humans here. I actually immediately decided I liked it better here, because living humans are fun! Started a club, so I could indulge myself with music. If you’re interested I do sets on the weekends. 8pm. I’d say it’s been a long time since you last heard me sing. Mind you, it’s all human stuff now, but they all enjoy it. Sometimes I have others play or sing with me.”

Raphael tipped his head to the side and blinked. “Hmm, I might actually do that. It has been a long time, and you always had such a wonderful voice.”

Lucifer scoffed at that. “Well, yeah, one of my domains is Music. Of course I do.”

Raphael nodded. “Yes, it is. Even having your domains given to others, you still share them. You never lost your domains, or your abilities. Sometimes I wonder what father was thinking throwing you out.”

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Yeah, good luck with that. It’s unlikely he will ever tell any of us. Especially me. But, if you believe anything mum says, she got me in Hell in exchange for my life. I just couldn’t believe that, you know? So I asked the wrong questions. Wanted the wrong things. That’s not enough for a death sentence, and surely even Dad knows that.”

Raphael stared at him in shock. “Mother actually said that to you?!”

Lucifer closed his eyes and sighed. “Yeah. Linda’s been getting me to see that it wasn’t exactly a healthy thing I had with her. Not that I ever really thought differently, but...”

“I had no idea she was like that with you. She was cold and distant, but... I never imagined she would say such hurtful things to you.”

Lucifer grinned at Raphael, a bitter smile. “Then you and everyone else in Heaven never paid enough attention to anything going on. You know, I didn’t even rebel. Me and Linda have come to the conclusion that I probably was chucked out for my safety. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell to be discarded and abandoned by both parents and all my siblings. Where were you, Raph?! Where!”

And just like that the good mood he had been in with Chloe being there vanished and in its place was left a welling pit of anger and grief. Old feelings kept hidden away for centuries and he now had a viable target to take them out on. Raphael was like him, an archangel. He could handle his anger. 

“You were the one person I expected to try and put a stop to what was happening and you weren’t even there!”

Raphael sighed, but didn’t move from his spot. If anything, he relaxed slightly. “Jophiel was injured in a skirmish with Gabriel and I was tasked with patching him up. Those two would happily kill each other play fighting some days. But I never was told until afterwards what had happened. Trust me, if I had been aware of what was going on, I would have tried to stop it. Being thrown out, and publically at that, humiliated, bound and exiled... I can’t even imagine what that felt like.”

He was having trouble catching his breath. His throat was tight, his chest heaving and he was sure that if he couldn’t feel the coolness that was making its way from his eyes, he’d never notice he was once again crying. He really needed to try and stop these pointless, stupid emotional outbursts. But he couldn’t seem to stop himself. 

“You want to know how it felt? It felt like I was hated, reviled and cast out for no reason. No reason! My wings were shackled to me so I couldn’t move them and fly to safety. Everyone was saying the most hateful things as I was marched out by Michael. None of them, not one, tried to stop him or Dad. And Mum just watched. I saw her just standing at Dad’s side with a blank look on her face as I was taken past her. I was totally abandoned by every single one of you. And then to top it all off, I was forced to rule a kingdom I wanted nothing to do with, stripped of my name and given a new one, I was made to be the bad guy. So now everyone blames me for their own evil acts. You all made me the bad guy. All for wanting to have Free Will like the bloody humans! Why would I blame them for that? They had nothing to do with it. It was all Mum and Dad and all of you. And then, to top it all off, because what is Hell without it being an endless torture chamber for everyone there, including me. I was burnt so badly I lost my skin. Just sloughed right off. Every bloody inch, gone. The most beautiful angel created reduced to nothing but a burnt, ruined husk of his former self.”

He stopped to breathe for a few seconds, before he began clawing at his hair in frustration. He felt like he was going insane. He began pacing his living room, wanting to just not feel anymore, but everything was too much to hold onto anymore.

He screamed, picked up his coffee table and threw it at the bar. “You all abandoned me and blamed me for it! How could you do that to me?! Why?! No one will tell me why!”

He hadn’t been paying attention to Raphael, so when a pair of arms wrapped around him, he thought it was an attack and fought wildly in the grip of his bother. He lost the ability to use his words in that moment, everything going to flight or fight mode and acting purely on instinct.

Instead, he became a screeching mass of fury. He clawed at the arms, bit down on a shoulder and shook his head and kept fighting until exhaustion once again took him and his legs gave out. Only then did he notice that Raphael was whispering in his ear over and over again a litany of sorry.

They ended up sitting on the floor in front of the now broken glass table. And the anger bled out of him, until he was fully still. Only then did he wrap his own arms around his brother. He didn’t even bother to hide how upset he was this time, instead he just clung to his brother and let the achingly hard sobs out. It felt like he was going to fall apart completely with the strength of how hard he was crying.

And all Raphael did was hold him and let him rage and cry and rant at and on him.

By the time he was done with his breakdown, because he seriously didn’t know what other word to use for what all this sudden pouring out of long held in emotions, he was feeling fragile and empty. He was so emotionally done with everything he couldn’t move if he wanted to. The best he could do was try and unclench his jaw from where he was still biting onto Raphael’s shoulder. To his horror, he found his jaw stuck. “Mnnnph.”

“Jaw stuck?” Raphael asked, and there was a hint that he was maybe upset too, but he couldn’t see with his head in the position it was stuck in.

“Mmph.”

A hand poked at his lower jaw, close to his mouth and gently moved it down, so he could let go of the flesh in his mouth. He coughed afterwards, suddenly feeling sick to the stomach. He hadn’t noticed the blood in his mouth until just then. He had bitten off a piece of skin.

His stomach did somersaults inside him and with more energy than he had, he managed to turn his head before he vomited. He still managed to miss the floor and get both of them covered in the foul smelling stuff that escaped him.

If he had any more tears left in him, he was pretty sure the embarrassment alone would have started him off again. Thankfully, he didn’t. Instead, he laid his head down and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to move anywhere but to his bed as it was, but now he needed to have a shower or bath and change his pants to ones that weren’t soiled in sick.

“I’m going to fill the bathtub. And then, I don’t care how much of a fuss you kick up about it, I’m going to wash you clean. Then I am putting you to bed. I’ll hold you up if you fall asleep in the bath, okay?”

He nodded shortly, because he didn’t have the energy to even say a short yes or no as an answer. Sleep did sound really good right then.

“Okay. I’m going to pick you up now. You don’t have to try and walk. I have you.” And with that said, the arms wrapped around him went under him instead, one at his knees, the other at his mid back. As Raphael stood, he was held upright, with his legs being held and he fell against his brother’s chest. 

“I got you, Luci. We’re going to the bathroom now.”

It took only a few seconds to get to the bathroom itself. He was sat down on the bench he had in there for when he had company in the shower. Raphael ignored the shower and went to the bath. He could hear the water filling the deep, big tub he had. He closed his eyes, unable to keep them open any longer.

When he next opened up his eyes, he was wrapped up in blue wings while lying in his bed. He was dressed in a tracksuit and he frowned, wondering why he was wearing so much clothing to bed.

Raphael was asleep beside him, holding him in his arms.

He was suddenly insanely embarrassed by what happened the day before. Because it was clear he had slept into the next day, as it was earlier now than it had been when he had gone to sleep in the bathroom.

He buried his head in Raphael’s chest and sighed loudly. Raphael stirred, before blinking himself awake.

“Morning. Can I let you go now? My arms and wings are both cramping up.”

He huffed out what was supposed to be a laugh, but ended up being more a croak. “Oh bloody hell, my throat aches.”

“You did a lot of screaming. It should help to talk a little.”

He grunted and shifted out of his brother’s grip. He immediately hated feeling like he was missing something when the wings unwrapped themselves from him. “Why was I wrapped up in your wings?”

“You panicked every time I tried to move them away. Even in your sleep, it was a comfort.”

He looked away at that. “Sorry. I completely broke down on you. That’s never happened before, I swear.”

Raphael nodded. “I believe you. You’ve had no reason to break down like that before.”

He groaned. “Please don’t psychoanalyse me. Leave that to Doctor Linda, please.”

Raphael chuckled. “Yes. Oh, your detective partner called. I told her you were unwell. You need time off to get over yesterday. You have the rest of the week off.”

He moaned at that. “Why did you do that?!”

“Are you honestly telling me you are up to doing anything right now?”

He blinked and frowned. He was fine shifting around in his bed right now. He sat up and immediately knew what Raphael was talking about. Every single muscle ached. “Oh...yeah, I see your point. Why am I so sore?’

Raphael stared at him. “Luci, you almost dislocated your arms yesterday, both of them, with your fight. I doubt your muscles have had such a workout since...well, since you last flew at least.”

He grimaced. “Let’s not talk about my wings right now, okay? I’m really not up for that.”

Raphael nodded. “That’s a given. I will tell you to speak of this to Linda. She needs to know. Try to figure out what set this off.”

He scowled at his brother. “Come on, Raph. You know what set it off!”

His brother nodded at him. “Yes, I do, but you need to figure that out for yourself. Me telling you isn’t going to help. Sort it out with Linda.”

Sighing, he nodded. “Fine. Are you staying, or do you have to go?”

“I called my work to let them know I would be a bit late in today. I didn’t specify a time. I am only a half hour late.”

Nodding, Lucifer took a deep breath, moved himself to the side of his bed and slowly got to his feet. Hi legs felt weak and wobbly, but he was able to walk on his own steam. He was relieved at that. “I’m okay now. I can walk and I’m getting hungry. You can go to work now.”

Nodding, Raphael rose from the bed, stretched out his wings and gave a few short flaps to try and get life back in them, before he flew off to his own life, leaving Lucifer alone.

He suddenly realised he really didn’t want to be alone and did as Raphael suggested and called Linda to set a session for later on that day.

He had a lot to think of and plenty of time to do so.


End file.
